Sunday reflections #77

And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.

Rainer Maria Rilke

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On the cusp

On the cusp.  at or during a time of transition, as the moment of or just before a major change or event.

It’s the cusp of the new year.  2 January 2013, to be precise.  Looking back, I see that I spent an awful lot of time on internal matters in 2012, and not much time on external actions.  I’m not sorry for that.  I can’t say that I necessarily had any moments of “great revelation” in 2012, although there were definitely moments of clarity.  I’m unsure whether I made good use of all the time I spent on those internal matters, as often I found myself not actively contemplating or thinking or pondering or anything with those inner feelings, emotions, things.  Mostly, I just sat with them and tried to feel my way through it – and if I couldn’t feel my way through, then I just continued sitting.  Or I slept.  Perhaps I didn’t need to make “good use” of that time.  Perhaps what I needed to do was simply to allow the time.

As I look back on 2012, it’s not concrete achievements that I list in my head as reflecting the year that was.  Rather, it’s feelings and thoughts and images that I recall: gentle knowledge, learning to trust in ideas previously beyond my ken, resistance (and resisting), letting go and breathing through the fear which that engendered, acceptance (and grace in doing so), faith, beauty, courage, creativity, strong and beautiful women who have been such an amazing support network, and joy through photography and writing and engaging and blogging.

As for 2013, well, I haven’t really made any resolutions yet and I’m not sure that I will.  Yes, I want to lose some weight, get fitter, like myself more, eat cleaner, work smarter and breathe deeper.  However, I think that I still have a lot of time that I need to spend sitting with myself and listening hard to that inner voice which is still speaking loudly to me.  I have no doubt that I will come to concrete goals, but as I’ve written about previously, I’m going to concentrate on my Desire Map with Danielle LaPorte‘s guidance.  I’m going to believe that by leaning softly into the new year and working through my Desire Map, I’m going to come to know what it is that I need to do in order to feel how I want to feel.  At the moment, the word that keeps coming to me is “free” – free to find my truth, free to embrace that truth, free to make choices that make me feel good, free to write, free to love and be loved, free to be courageous, free to be strong, free to travel, free to escape, free to enfold, free to open myself up to possibility.  Free to keep adding to that freedom.

Happy New Year to you, friends, and may you experience as much freedom and joy as your lives can possibly encompass in 2013.

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